I rated your essay using the free online tool at gmatawa[dot]com.
You scored a 5.25 (or in actual GMAT terms a 5.0). You were great on almost all of the three parameters:
1)Coherence
2)Structure and para-formation
3)Vocabulary and usage.
Perhaps a bit of fine tuning is required on coherence and vocabulary. You can also rate your essay yourself at gmatawa[dot]com. A free online tool, no login no registration, all that is required is an attempt code, for trial you can use "a12345" or get one of your own, on the site.