ok2go

Edit your essay to make sure the development is smoother with better linking, the conclusion is more justified by the development, paragraphs are clearer in their focus, and (especially) that you remove words that are wrong for the context. It is good to use a wide vocabulary, but not in the wrong context or with the wrong meaning or an exaggerated meaning e.g. state can allocate more budget to its economics/ countless smart and ingenious teenagers/ impecunious teenagers. Whenever you post requesting feedback (not many people with proper skills will mark your essay with detailed feedback on a public forum) it would be useful to say what sort of level you expect. Also search for and download the IELTS public band descriptors to get an idea of what examiners are looking for. Best wishes

If you check the public band descriptors for the writing test, it seems this essay is a good attempt within the word limit. It is about university entry level but i would guess that this essay might not gain band 7 overall due to lack of flexibility: there is a range of sentence types but there are also missing words and reference markers (e.g. last sentence) and a mechanical kind of development with basic ideas - there are also frequent minor grammar errors. Go and find the IELTS public band descriptors with a simple search and then you would see what you need to do to get various bands, and how you might improve the essay (find your limiting factors) to get a higher band.