Abhisheknathani

According to me it is 7.5

LINKING WORDS USED-YES CONCLUSION CLEAR-YES LEXICAL RESOURCE-PARTIAL- SOME INCORRECT USE OF VOCABULARY CORRECT USE OF WORDS AND COLLOCATIONS-PARTIAL SOME ERROR GRAMMAR-SOME ERRORS OF PREPOSITIONS OVERALL ESTIMATE TASK ACHIEVEMENT-9 COHESION & COHERENCE-8 LEXICAL RESOURCE-7 GRAMMAR-7 OVERALL BAND ESTIMATE-7.5

Please see the corrections and my estimation. Some people consider sport to be their career and role in the society. For others, it is mostly a workout to keep fit. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Nowadays, it is true that sport plays a very important role in our lives life. Some people even turn pursue it as into their career. In my own opinion, sport career is not a bad choice but it is a little risky. First of all, it is clear that one of the first main reasons why people come to choose sports is to keep fit. Sports help them to have having a good health, liftsing their spirit, and so on. After several years playing sports, some particular people find it really interesting and passionate. They know that it this is the career that which they are looking for and decide to become professional athletes. For others, in contrast, they do not consider sports as a career because they simply do not think that sports can bring them a good life or their sports passion is not that much enough. And as we all know, without passion and determination, we can’t be successful in anything. If someone does not like sports, you can’t force him or her to choose sports as a career. In my opinion, sports career has 2 sides: positive and negative. If you are successful and can be number one in the world like Roger Federer in tennis or Lionel Messi in football, you can do many things. By then, you will not have to worry about your earning a living anymore and will even be able to help others by doing charities or starting founding a foundation. It sounds great but if you are just an average player or even worse, getting suffer a serious injury which destroys your career, you will be nothing and there will be no way to get back. In summary, working out to keep fit is good. However, if you want to make it as a career, like any other jobs, you must consider carefully because after your decision is made, you have to follow it till the end. [TABLE] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3] Requirement [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3] Description [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #efefef] Achieved [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #efefef] Improvement Needed [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Task Achievement [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]A full answer with all aspects of the topic covered [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3][/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Length/ Number of Words [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD]312. OK. It is best to stay between 250-280 words for Task 2. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Cohesion & Coherence [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Intro: Clear, focussed & topic paraphrased [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3][/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Paragraphs: Clear & focussed with one central issue & topic sentence [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] [TABLE] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3] Requirement [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3] Description [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #efefef] Achieved [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #efefef] Improvement Needed [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Task Achievement [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]A full answer with all aspects of the topic covered [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3][/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Length/ Number of Words [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD]312. OK. It is best to stay between 250-280 words for Task 2. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Cohesion & Coherence [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Intro: Clear, focussed & topic paraphrased [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3][/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Paragraphs: Clear & focussed with one central issue & topic sentence [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] [TABLE] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3] Requirement [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3] Description [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #efefef] Achieved [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #efefef] Improvement Needed [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Task Achievement [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]A full answer with all aspects of the topic covered [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3][/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Length/ Number of Words [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD]312. OK. It is best to stay between 250-280 words for Task 2. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Cohesion & Coherence [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Intro: Clear, focussed & topic paraphrased [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3][/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Paragraphs: Clear & focussed with one central issue & topic sentence [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]

For me it is a band 6.5 essay

you can do many things is very vague. Otherwise your essay seems okay.

You should have a separate para for conclusion.

Task II You should spend about40 minutes on this task. Write about thefollowing topic: You should spend 40 minutes on this topic. The mark of a successfulperson is to be wealthy and have a successful career. To what extent do youagree or disagree? Givereasons for your answer and include any relevant examplesfrom your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250words. There is no denying ofthe fact that a person’s success is judged by his career and wealth. I totallyagree with this statement and will provide numerous reasons to prove the same. Everyone in this worldwants to have a good career path and big bank balance. In this competitiveworld everyone is trying to achieve the highest position in an organization. Onetries to have a good qualification to get a good job with a handsome salary sothat he can achieve in fulfilling his dreams of making wealth. Every business owner is trying to expand andmultiply his business, so that it adds to his wealth and he is known as asuccessful person. As per the famous magazine India today, Bill Gates andWarren Buffet were named as the most successful person in the world. The reasonis that they have immense wealth and extraordinary career. People with suchwealth and career are taken as role models because of their success. When we have wealth weare respected in society and we feel we have achieved something. Growing alongthe career makes us feel successful. Everyone, in my family, says that mybrother is successful because he has a lot of wealth and he is the ManagingDirector in his company. The Cricketer’s likeof Sachin Tendulkar and Rickyponting are said to be successful because they have achieved the highest limitin their career. Mega Bollywood Star Mr Amitabh Bachan was treated as the mostsuccessful person when he was rising in his career and was receiving awards butwas said to be a failure when a downfall started in his career. As the sayinggoes “Everyone salutes the rising Sun”. Similarly, a person with high wealthand bright career is treated as a successful person. To conclude, we can saya successful person is one who has a great wealth and a marvellous career.Achieving wealth and a good career is the milestone of being successful. Can anyone please rate my essay Thanks Abhishek

Thanks a lot for your analysis. Actually i took this question from an online course IELTS preparation courses, practice tests and answers | IELTS Online. Infact,i was also confused while writing whether i should write about both the views or take one stand but mater decided to select the mater. Let's say if it was to what extent where my answer is according to question around what band would i get. Looking forward to hearing from You. Regards Abhishek

Mr Pete, I would really appreciate if you can rate my essay. Regards Abhishek nathani

Please go through the essay and give your feedback with band scores

Task II You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Should arts-related entertainment venues such as museums and art galleries be free of charge for the general public, or should a charge apply for admittance? Discuss this issue, and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words Entry to art related venues like museums and art galleries be made free or there should be a charge for the same. I am totally in favor that there should be charge levied for the entry to such places and can justify the same with numerous reasons. To begin with, I would like to say that anything which comes for free does not has much value. If the entry is made free no one would understand the importance of such places. Moreover, people would then visit such places just for time pass and the core reason of opening such places will not be met. I remember in 2009, entry to Kolkata museum was made free for a month and the museum almost turned to a park because people started visiting the museum not as going to museum but as a place to loiter around. Consequently, the government had to start the entry fees again. Not only that, entry to such places brings a lot of revenue to Government which is used for their maintenance. If this revenue is stopped Government will have to start financing for the same which otherwise could have been used elsewhere. According to a report published by the finance ministry in India in 2010, an amount of 20 million was spent on the repair of Nehru Museum where entry was free. To sum up, I would say that these places are to be given special care and their importance needs to be intact and as such putting an end to entry fees to such places would be a deep blow. No one would value diamonds if they were as easily available as stones. These places are no less than diamonds for the country.