Please grade my essay: Do people learn who they are only when they are forced into ac

[ngancon]

People begin their life in the same way: cry, open their eyes, be fed by their mothers, but grow up in different ways: some become actors, some become writers, some are general and some are heroes. But what makes this difference? It is the way they live, the way they react with their environment. It is not only when they are forced into action. It is themselves.

 

Still confused? Let's begin.

 

A definition of "hero" has its scale: international, national or familial. Let begin with international. A good example of internaltional hero is Gagarin. Gagarin, the first person who came to the Moon, marked the new period of man: the period of universe. Did anyone force him to fly to the Moon? No one could if he didn't want. He fly to the Moon only because he wanted to do and he had tried hard to do.

 

Let come with national hero. With vietnamese people, no one is greater than our Uncle Ho. He is not only our leader who devoted all his life to save vietnamese people from dependence, slavery and poverty, but also our uncle, who care much for vietnamese people, especially the children. In simple grey clothes and rubber sandals, he went everywhere to find a way to cure vietnamese. He learned everywhere and everywhen, did many works such as a cook, a sailor, or a writer to live and to rang about Vietnam to international community. He saved an apple for a little french girl. He asked even a solder about how he lived, about how is his work, about what he needed... He eated what the solders eated, drinked what the solders drinked. He lived simpler than a person. Vietnamese people love him and respect him forever.

 

So sure about Gagarin and Ho Chi Minh. But how about an old blind woman who does needle work all day for her young daughter to pursue University? Needle work is more boring and tired than we can imagine: just sit and do the same thing, for all day, all month and all year, just because of her love for her daughter. She works hard, for her child's success. Who can say she is not an heroin? Remember, everything we try hard to het makes who we are.

 

Heroes come from work everyday and everywhere. They do not need to be forced into action. They always try their best to live, to devote their lives for themselves, and for others. They know the worth of life, so they catch it. Want to mark yourself to life? Forcus into your work!

[Erin]

Estimated score: 2 or 3/6

[ngancon]

Could you please tell me more detail about my weakness?

[Erin]

Can you tell me the full essay prompt? Also, I'll provide some quick feedback. Hold on...

[Erin]

People begin their life in the same way: cry, open their eyes, be fed by their mothers, but grow up in different ways: some become actors, some become writers, some are general and some are heroes. But what makes this difference? It is the way they live, the way they react with their environment. It is not only when they are forced into action. It is themselves.

 

Still confused? Let's begin.

I had to read the part in red three or four times to figure out what you meant; this is bad for the SAT. In fact, the SAT scorers are told to read the essay quickly, without re-reading, and score it holistically.

 

A definition of "hero" has its scale: international, national or familial. Let begin with international. A good example of internaltional hero is Gagarin. Gagarin, the first person who came to the Moon, marked the new period of man: the period of universe. Did anyone force him to fly to the Moon? No one could if he didn't want. He fly to the Moon only because he wanted to do and he had tried hard to do.

Again, hard to follow. Be sure to give background information on this person. For example, use his full name, his nationality, a date, or at least give correct information--he was the first person in space, not the first person on the Moon. The sentence is very confusing also because you use came, which makes me think you're writing from the Moon. All in all, this paragraph makes me think you're talking about a mythological character.

 

Heroes come from work everyday and everywhere. They do not need to be forced into action. They always try their best to live, to devote their lives for themselves, and for others. They know the worth of life, so they catch it. Want to mark yourself to life? Forcus into your work!

I'm a bit pressed for time, so I'll wrap up by saying that the writing is fairly good, and your details are pretty good, but the awkward use of language and grammar errors make your ideas hard to follow. Also, you do a good job of describing things and giving information, but you need to 'develop' your ideas more.

 

I hope this helps get you started. :)