IELTS writing task 2

[harmeet]

hello, this is the second time I am giving ielts exam. please check my essay and give me some suggestions as well.

 

Some people believe that children are given too much free time. they feel that this time should be used to do more school work.

How do you think children should spend their free time?

 

Many parents have opinion not to give excessive free time to children because studies are more important, so they should concentrate more on their school work. There could be various reasons for this opinion, such as, competition in studies, bad peer company and so on. However, children do also need some free time to play and for extra activities because it is necessary for their mental and physical development.

 

 

Why parents have such opinions? It is important to consider this question first. Parents are more worried about their little ones these days, because, study competition in schools and company of hooligan kids. They want their kid to perform best in every subject without being spoiled. Thus, mother and father, both try their child to get busy with school and homework.

 

 

However, it is also important for parents to understand that only study no play can make jack a dull boy. If kids are forced to study all the time, this might hinder their physical and mental development. Children also need time to explore their minds to develop and refresh new thoughts and ideas. For example, many studious kids afraid to speak and mingle with other kids, which becomes a part of their personality later on. Therefore, parents will have to understand the value of free time in kid’s life.

 

 

In my opinion, preparing a timetable is the best and easiest way for parents to utilise child’s free time in an effective way. They can distribute free time in indoor and outdoor activities. Nowadays, parents have many options for their kids to join. Children can join different sports activities, music and dance classes, and art and craft classes according to their interests.

 

 

In the end, I would say students need free time to play and for other activities along with the studies. It helps them to refresh their brain to get back to work with full enthusiasm.

[Nostril5]

The introduction looks good.

The first two sentences of the first body paragraph are poor. They say nothing. Look up 'topic sentences' on the Internet for more information.

The next paragraph is much better; however, 'kids' is very informal.

The third body paragraph also should have a stronger topic sentence, e.g. 'A balance between free play and homework would seem to be the best approach for children.' Then you can talk about timetables.

The conclusion is good.

 

Overall, this looks like a low 7.0. To guarantee this score (or higher), write better topic sentences.

 

Mike

[mandana860]

hi, please someone give me a band score

 

What are the factors which are related to an academic success in high-school students?

As we all know, education plays an important role in the development of a nation and the importance of building up a resume shows itself as high-school is the inevitable path to enter the academic world.

A recent announcement has been made on the part of the related authorities that starting the upcoming academic year, the GPA of the high-school students would be a decisive factor for them to make a progress academically. Experts are of the belief that facilities should be made available for the students in order for them to approach success. They believe measures should be taken by the government to provide schools with the essential requirements such as libraries and sufficient learning kits.

The consensus on the other hand is that the government plays no important role in an individual’s success and that perseverance is all it takes for the children to make leaps. It is actually due to the fact that it has been proven that hard work finally pays off.

Having discussed the matter from different angles and dimensions one comes to the understanding that hard working and availability of necessary stuff are directly associated with one another. For instance studying hard has no result if one suffers lack of auxiliary books at school. I firmly believe that so many factors are needed to make a winner out of high-school and the most important one is being able to focus on your future and therefore ignoring every other distraction that comes along the way. This may come a bit too hard, but if you saw the bigger picture it would lessen the pain.

[Nostril5]

hi, please someone give me a band score

 

What are the factors which are related to an academic success in high-school students?

As we all know, education plays an important role in the development of a nation and the importance of building up a resume shows itself as high-school is the inevitable path to enter the academic world.

The introduction is confusing. ' the importance of building up a resume shows itself as' does not seem to match the rest of the sentence. Delete that sentence and you would have a much better intro!t

 

A recent announcement has been made on the part of the related authorities that starting the upcoming academic year, the GPA of the high-school students would be a decisive factor for them to make a progress academically. Experts are of the belief that facilities should be made available for the students in order for them to approach success. They believe measures should be taken by the government to provide schools with the essential requirements such as libraries and sufficient learning kits.

This paragraph also says very little. You are writing without planning. This is called 'stream-of-consciousness' writing and is very bad. Plan your main idea. This idea should be in your first (topic) sentence. Then your supporting sentences will make more sense.

 

The consensus on the other hand is that the government plays no important role in an individual’s success and that perseverance is all it takes for the children to make leaps. It is actually due to the fact that it has been proven that hard work finally pays off.

This is much better. This paragraph looks like a low 7.0.

 

Having discussed the matter from different angles and dimensions one comes to the understanding that hard working and availability of necessary stuff are directly associated with one another. For instance studying hard has no result if one suffers lack of auxiliary books at school. I firmly believe that so many factors are needed to make a winner out of high-school and the most important one is being able to focus on your future and therefore ignoring every other distraction that comes along the way. This may come a bit too hard, but if you saw the bigger picture it would lessen the pain.

I see what you are trying to do in the conclusion, but it is a bit awkward. You can make your writing more natural by using 'hedging language' (sometimes called 'tentative language').'

So..this looks like a strong 6.0.

The vocabulary is mixed. Some words are informal and the lack of any hedging is strange.

The grammar is good.

The task achievement is so-so. This is mostly due to the way your paragraphs are organised.

The structure is not great.

Overall, a 7.0 is very close for you. A bit of study will help and also make your life at university less of a nightmare (You will know what I mean after your first semester:disgust:)

Mike