I'm taking the GRE in 4 Day, please help evaluate my practice essay :)

[ciptasari]

I am going to sit for the test in just a few more days. Currently, I am keeping myself busy with Manhattan practice tests. Here is an essay I did today on my practice test. Any comments, critics, or evaluations will be very much appreciated! I could help read and evaluate your essay, too, if you want. Thanks in advance!

 

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Governments should invest as much in the arts as they do in the military.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

 

Government all over the world has been investing a huge amount of money in the national military for ever. In the status quo, many people believe that other aspects of civilization such as arts are just as important for the society and therefore the government should invest in them as much as they do in military. While arts is admittedly one of the important aspects of great civilization and a government investment in it is a good idea, proposing that the government should invest as much in arts as they do in the military is quite unnecessary.

 

First and foremost, investment in military is an investment in the whole population's security and well-being. It is one utilitarian function that will benefit everyone in the whole nation regardless of their gender, belief, or interest. At the other hand, an investment in arts, though useful, will only benefits certain parts of the society who love to create or enjoy these arts in the very first place. Admittedly, there area big section of the population who either love to create or enjoy arts. Nonetheless, it is justified for the government to prioritize aspects that will be more useful for the whole society when using the money that comes from the whole nation's pocket to begin with. If the government choose to adopt the recommendation, there will be parts of society that will feel as though most of their tax money is unfairly being used in an area that does not benefits them, and thus they will think that the government has misplaced their trust in prioritizing the society's needs.

 

Not only that military is an investment that will benefits every single person in the nation, the need of security it protects is one basic and primary need that should come before other things such as arts and other secondary needs. The hierarchy of the rights and necessity of human surely puts security before arts because the society will only think of arts and entertainment as their needs once their security is fulfilled in the first place. Without the ability to feel secure and free from dangers, no society will even be able to think about creating or enjoying arts in their free time. For instance, if the recommendation is being put into place in a nation that still feel that their life is in a certain kind of danger and threat from other nation, even though the investment provided for arts is humongous, not many people will really be able to take advantage of this investment because they feel as though they could not think about entertainment while their heads are full of worries of their families' safety.

 

Another thing to be noted is that by default, military funding is a huge one due to the default expensiveness of the things being needed to protect a country. By contrast, the money needed to create and ensure arts are being enjoyed does not have to come in such great expenses. Of course, some aspects of art making is expensive, but we surely can not compare the price or the research for military defense to the creation of an album or even a theater production. The arts and creativity of a nation still could be supported by the government to a far extend without needing the equalize the money invested in it to the ones in the military.

 

Sure, investment in arts by the government is surely beneficial to develop the nation's civilization and moral. However, to invest as much money in arts as the government currently do in military is quite unnecessary and unjustifiable in the eyes of many people. In conclusion, I think that that the government should still invest a fair amount of money in the development of arts in the country but there is no need to make it to the equal amount of money they invest in the nation's military.

Edited October 6, 2016 by ciptasari

[YeeHaun Kim]

Hi,

 

Thank you for vetting my essay, here are my comments.

 

There are a few mistakes that I believe you would be able to spot if you have saved some time for checking. For example

Admittedly, there area big section of the population who either love to create or enjoy arts.

I'm concerned that might pull the marks down more than the benefits from having an additional paragraph for example.

 

The concepts are well segmented in the paragraphs and I could follow your argument. I think that the paragraph regarding expensiveness could be strengthened and I wasn't really convinced by the supporting argument of comparing the price of research vs. the cost of cutting an album in this context. Maybe, adding a dimension of national involvement would help bolster the comparison; lack of defence budget may affect citizens lives as conscription becomes necessary for example. I'm not sure, for your reference to think about.

 

Sure, investment in arts by the government is surely beneficial to develop the nation's civilization and moral.

Did you mean morale instead of moral?

 

Overall a cogent essay, all the best for GRE in a couple of days time!