DonkeyBreath

Hi Topher, I am considering taking the test from home, and would love to hear your advice. Kind Regards, A

I am not an expert, only a fellow test-taker. What I provide is simply my opinion. Overall, your introduction is strong. I would hesitate to use too many GRE vocabulary because you need a mastery level understanding of said words and using too many would not allow for a proper flow, For example, in you opening sentence, the use of globalization, amalgam, and eclectic sounds awkward. Personally, I would try to spread these words throughout the essay and not write them back-to-back. The second paragraph seems strong. There is a clear argument, with examples, however, the example of Chetan Bhagat's success does not directly connect to your concluding statement. You conclude the second paragraph with someone having bad grades. I believe it would be better to provide an example of how someone with bad grades will perform poorly in other fields of study. The third paragraph seems to be contradicting your argument in the second paragraph. You clearly stated that if a person performs well in one field, it is likely the person would perform well in another field due to diligence and persistence. Yet, you argue in the third paragraph that these characteristics are not enough. Although each of the two body paragraphs work well on their own, they don't work well together in this essay because it seems like you're arguing with yourself. I hope my perspective is clear. The conclusion is weak because you're introducing other factors and new examples to your argument. Rather, try to summarize what you have already written. In this case, I would personally have split that last paragraph and perhaps added a sentence or two to my conclusion. Although I'm not an expert, I hope you my ideas will help in some way.

I am not an expert, only a fellow GRE test-taker. The introduction seems well written, however the second to last sentence would be more convincing if it ends with a declaration, not a question especially because you are leading to your main point. I feel like you should be a little more affirmative here. First body paragraph is not concise, it is extremely convoluted. There are multiply ideas, each one of which could take up their own paragraph. You bring up the government's role to its citizens, opposing parties within the government, protests, media outlets taking advantage of chaos. All of which within a few short sentences. Try to stick to one idea per paragraph, and elaborate on it. The second body paragraph contradicts your thesis. You want to bring up one positive about the opposing argument, and quickly explain why it's not as important as your argument. You should not take up an entire paragraph explaining to me (the reader) why your stance is flawed. The conclusion is pretty good. Try to spare a few minutes for revising your essay because, as is, the essay does not flow properly due to grammatical errors. It's okay to make a few mistakes, but the amount here impedes understanding. I am not an expert, but I do hope my feedback can help a little.