Although the write up is good, there are certain things GMAT looks for in the structure. First few lines should typically state what the 'issue', to show that you understand the meaning. Then you would have to take a side (agree or disagree). Then move on to the second & 3rd para to support your position. And then conclude.
This is just my input....and i think with GMAT it is better to play it safe and follow the pattern rather than get extremely creative. Hope this helps...